> A Woman's Prayer (author unknown)
>
> Now I lay me down to sleep,
> I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
> One who's handsome, smart and strong,
> One who's "willy" is thick and long.
> One who thinks before he speaks,
> When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
> I pray that he is gainfully employed,
> And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
> One who pulls out my chair & opens my door,
> massages my back & begs to do more.
>
> Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
> knows just what to say when I ask. "How big is my behind?
> One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
> In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
> I pray that this man will love me to no end,
> And never attempts to screw my bestfriend.
> And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
> I look at the Shit Head you sent me instead!!!

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"WOMAN":     A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40 -200 kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical properties:
> > 1. Surface usually covered in painted film
> > 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
> > 3. Melts if given special treatment
> > 4. Bitter if incorrectly used
> > 5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
> > 6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

Chemical Properties:
> > 1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
> > 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
> > 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason
> > 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in
> > alcohol
> > 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common Uses:
> > 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
> > 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
> > 3. Very effective cleaning agent

Tests:
> > 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
> > 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Potential Hazards:
> > 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
> > 2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do no come into direct contact with each other.

WARNING:
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE
PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE.

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What Women Want

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet