Smokr's Lounge

A not-for-non-profit-non-organisation

Some Boy Scouts from the big city were on a camping trip for the first time.
The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightening bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up, now they're coming after us with flashlights!" 

GIRLS

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:  "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"   She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:  "I don't fink my pyfon really cares!"

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says,
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the head of the
family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of
the money so we call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The
nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother,
we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So
the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in Deep Shit.

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It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping
the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to
swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the
watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through
the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How
are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."
Then Saint Peter came by. The woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" asked
the woman. "Love," said Saint Peter. The woman correctly spelled
"L-O-V-E" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter asked the woman to watch the Gates of
Heaven for him that day. While she was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her
husband arrived.
"Oh, I'm so surprised to see you!" said the woman. "How have you been?"
"I've been doing really well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I
shared and moved into a big mansion. And then my wife and I traveled all
around the world. We were on vacation today, water skiing, when I fell
and hit my head on one of the skis, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," said the woman. "Which word?" her husband
asked.
"Czechoslovakia."


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Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They 
bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet
brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to usin' paper."

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EVERYONE...REPEAT AFTER ME...

I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail !
I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I DO forward an e-mail !
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret DOESN'T know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me, and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people !
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail...NEVER ! ! !
My phone will NOT mysteriously ring after I forward an e-mail.
There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am NOT STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-A-Wish program in England collecting anything ! He did that when he was 7 years old. He is now free of cancer and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT anymore post cards or get well cards !
The government DOES NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B or 602P that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send !
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or programs that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail !
The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to anyone dying of some never heard of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations !
And finally, I will NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. God sent me a message and it's called the Bible and no where in it have I read the words "Thou shalt forward....!"
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out !!!

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office.
The Doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, and pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."

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Drunk in a Confessional
A drunk staggers into a Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but
says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the
drunk just sits there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on the
wall. The drunk replies, "ain't no use knocking, there's no paper on
this side either."

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hearts and roses and kisses galore....
what the hell is all that shit for
people get mushy and start acting queer
its definitely the most annoying day of the year
this day needs to get the hell over with and pass
before i shove a dozen roses up cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk i can't speak
and wear all black for the rest of the week
guys act all sweet but soon it will fade
for all they are doing is trying to get laid
the arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit
because i think love is a bunch of shit
so theres my story.....what can i say
love bites my ass.....FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY!

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An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" 
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

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A Southerner is having his breakfast (coffee, grits, biscuits, and jam) when a Northerner chewing obnoxiously on gum sits down next to him.  The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"
Southerner: "Yep."
Northerner: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."
The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in silence.
The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"
Southerner: "Yep."
Northerner: (cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. Up North after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then send it down South.
Then the Southerner asks: "Y'all have sex up North?"
Northerner: "Why of course we do", the Northerner says, as he pops another big bubble.
Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?"
Northerner: "We throw them away, of course.
Southerner: We don't. Down South we put 'em in a jar, recycle'em, melt 'em down into bubble gum and sell 'em to Yankees."


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Out of the mouths of babes comes the Dead Cat Test, a true story:

>  A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
>  She asked if it was dead or alive.
>  "Dead," she was informed.
>  "How do you know?", she asked.
>  "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.
>   "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
>  "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move

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On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.


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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

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A man went into the proctologist's office for his first colo-rectal exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk:
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you
tell me what the BEER is for?" 
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc
flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!
I said A BUTT LIGHT..."

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A boy and a girl were behind a barn one day. The girl told the boy, "I have to quit eating chicken, because I am growing chicken hair."
The boy in disbelief said, "Let me see."
So the little girl pulls down her pants and panties and shows the little boy her chicken hair.
"You sure do! " the boy says.
Then he says, "I have to quit eating chicken because I am growing chicken hair too."
The girl says, "Let me see."
The boy then pulls down his pants and underwear and the girl says,
"It's too late for you, you already have the neck and the gizzards" 

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A man and a woman are driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.  Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is chatting away with her father, when all of a sudden, the penis smacks the windshield of the car, sticks for a moment, and flies off.  Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"  Not wanting to expose his daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't it?!!"

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny, and he replies,
"None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." 
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice
cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."  To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,
but I like your thinking." 

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> > Subject: American History Lesson. It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, named Suzuki, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Very good!  Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'
Again, no response except from Suzuki:  "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."  As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a whisper:
"Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's  classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up".
The teacher glares and asks "Alright! Now who said that?"
Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah?  Suck this!"
  Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the class
"President Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1999"
One little guy near the back groans, slaps his hand to his head and says,
"Oh SHIT are we in trouble!"
Suzuki shouts out with surety, "Osama and the Taliban, September 11th, 2001!"

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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room.  She heard the plane land and her son saying 

"All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off
now!  And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses
in the plane, cause we're going down the runway."

  The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this
house.  Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may play with your airplane, but I want you to use nice language."  

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his plane.

 Soon the plane landed and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking
the plane, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank you for flying with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.  We hope you will fly with us again soon."  She hears the little
boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat or the overhead compartment.  Remember, there is no smoking on the plane.  We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."  As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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Some popup warnings that have been seen on the net, made up or should exist.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del twice now for IQ test. 
Close your eyes and press Escape three times. 
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 
To shut down your system, type "WIN." 
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington DC? (Y/N) 
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup PENCIL_PAPER.SYS 
User Error: Replace user. 
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 
Warning: Drive C reformating. Press OK to continue.
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. Do not resist arrest.

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A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son."What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I guess I just panicked...."

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Did you hear about the new instant lottery game in India. You scratch the ticket, and if the dot matches the one on your forehead, you win a convenience store in the United States.

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These two guys had each just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going, there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. 
"I shot him" said the guy. "Why?" 
"I caught him in bed with my board."

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FUNERAL SERVICES!

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:
Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died
yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the
belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth,
Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies,
and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who
never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business,
but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very
"smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
being a little flaky at times, even still, he was a crusty old man and was
considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would
rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play
Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the
oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

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If you are quick enough
you'll get it, if not - oh well!
               {:-)

A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East
End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came
over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir?"

The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once,
didn't like it, and never tried it again."

The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly sort, he
pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman one.

The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like
it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at
all, except that I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume?"

 

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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Everyone agreed that was really typical.

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Okay,  the typical blonds jokes....................

Blonde walks into an upscale pet-supply store, says to the clerk she wants to buy a
> red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she
> bring her dog in for a proper fit.
>
> "I can't do that!" the blonde said. "The sweater is a surprise!"

Blondes version of Football.....
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean?"
"Well I saw them flip the coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

She Was Soooooo Blonde...
...She thought a quarterback was a refund.
...She thought General Motors was in the army.
...She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. 
...At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."
...She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...She tripped over a cordless phone.
...She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
...She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
...She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
...She studied for a blood test.
...She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...She sold the car for gas money.
...When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
...When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes
in front"
... She tripped over a cordless phone.
... She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
... She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said - "concentrate."
... She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
... She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
... She studied for a blood test.
... When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
... When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
... She sold the car for gas money!

Blonde was invited out for a night with "the girls".
She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I
promise!"
Well, hours passed and the drinks were going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home.
Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
 Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, the blonde cuckooed another times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution.
 The next morning the husband asks what time she got in, and she told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! she thinks.
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted as it got into bed.

A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help
you?" he asked.
Replied the blonde, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's
better here."

How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose? When she farts, her
knees bag.

One morning, a blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and  help me.  I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
 Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"  The blonde said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.  She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box.  He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of  that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

>A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and shouts:  "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor"

Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells,  "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

A man was in his front yard mowing his grass when his attractive blond neighbor came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked in, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went right to the mailbox and this time opened it, looked in, felt around it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched over to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed harder than ever. 
 Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
 To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

The Blonde Get's A Haircut
Once a blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing
headphones.
The stylist said, "You gotta take off your headphones or I can't cut
your hair!"
The blonde said, "No! I can't! I'll just DIE without them!"
So the stylist just sighed, and cut the ends of her hair until she
fell asleep, the stylist said to herself, "I'll just take these off
her to cut her hair. She won't notice."
So the stylist did just that. After about 3 minutes, the blond fell
out of the chair, dead.
The stylist said, "I wonder what could have possibly killed her?!
Maybe it had something to do with the headphones."
She took the blonde's headphones and put them on her own head, just to
see what was playing. The headphones where repeating, "Breathe in,
Breathe out."

"Blonde Bride"
On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde virgin
bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course,
believes him. He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and
returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.
"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the
world. But Harry at the drug store has one, too."
"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had
two, so I gave him one of mine."
"Oh. Well, why did you give him the bigger one?"

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I
have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the boys jacket and told him to go straight
home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Also inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!"

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Okay, now on to golfers...............................

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond.
Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.
Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
Harry!.... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows.
"Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING!!! FOR GODS SAKE!! DON'T
SWING!!!"

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Now, how about NewYorkers..................

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MORALS

SUBJECT: MORAL QUESTION
This is a moral question. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is interesting to decide what one would do.
You are in the middle of Afghanistan and there is heavy fighting in the area.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed.
Let's say that you're a photographer out getting still pictures for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Usama Bin Laden who is holding onto the jagged remains of a recently bombed bridge, and is about to fall to his death.
You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip.
So, here's the question -- and think carefully before you answer the question below....
Which lens should you use?

SHIT

A very powerful word

Well, shit...
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for  your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up a shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along..........if you give a shit. 

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. 

The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now." 

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:
 "First, I like to play with my money."
 "Second, I like to watch my money grow."
"And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it!

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DUE TO THE EXTREME DROUGHT IN FLORIDA, THE FOLLOWING CAUTION WAS ISSUED:
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for
alligators while in Alachua,Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk,
Brevard,
and Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of
an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator and and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and
possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in
them and smell like pepper spray.

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THE RANCHERS WIFE
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.  Two men applied for the job... One was gay and
the other a drunk.  She thought long and hard about it, and when no  one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day & knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.  Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done
nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off & going into town to kick up my heels & paint the town red, & I think you should do the same."
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town.  The rancher's wife had dinner & drinks with friends, talked, joked, danced, & had a good time, getting home
about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.
1 AM & no hired hand yet. 2 AM & no hired hand & she began to worry. At 2:30 AM in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace & called him over by her.
"Now I'm the boss", she said, "And you have to do what I tell you, right?"
"Well... yes", he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse & take it off", she said.
He did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did.
"Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him & said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again!

Thanks to my cousin Dick!  He sends regular mail, so come back for the new ones!

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Why Guys Have All The Luck

1. A guy's butt is never a factor in a job interview.
2. A guy's orgasms are real. Always
3. A guy's last name stays put.
4. The garage is all his.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. He doesn't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
7. Chocolate is just another snack.
8. He can wear a white shirt to a water park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. He never feels compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell him the truth. 
12. He doesn't give a rat's ass if someone notices his new haircut.
13. The world is his urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near his pubic area.
15. He never has to drive to another gas station because "this one's just too icky."
16. Same work......more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. He doesn't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2,000; Tux rental $100.
20. If he retains water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never glance at his chest when he is talking to them.
22. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
23. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
24. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle his feet.
25. Porn movies are designed with him in mind.
26. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
28. One mood.....all of the time.

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1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should  have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the  locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

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      Automobile Acronyms

      AUDI: Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
      BMW:  Big Man Wannabe
      BUICK: Big, Ugly, Import Car Killer
      CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
      DODGE: Drips Oil, Drips Gas Everywhere
      FIAT: Fix It Again, Tony
      FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily
      GEO:  Good Engineering Overlooked
      GMC:  Garage Mechanic's Companion
      JEEP: Junk Engineered, Executed Poorly
      MAZDA: My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
      OLDSMOBILE: Old Ladies Drive Slow -- Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie
      PLYMOUTH: Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap
      PONTIAC:  Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A Cadillac
      PORSCHE:  Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything
      SAAB:     Sad Attempt At Beauty
      SUBARU:   Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
      TRIUMPH:  The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
      TOYOTA:   Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple-A

 

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A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns.
> >
The woman stands there shaken for a moment, then exclaims, "HOLY SHIT, IT WORKS!!!"

 

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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. 
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken."
"No", says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken!"

 

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TIRED!!!
Finally, it all makes sense. I am constantly tired, and constantly stressed. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
> > The population of Canada is 33 million.
> > 15 million are retired.
> > That leaves 18 million to do the work.
> > There are 11 million in school, which leaves 7 million to do the work.
> > Of this there are 4.5 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2.5 million to do the work.
> > 500 thousand are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 2 million to do the work.
> > Take from the total the 1,100,000 people who work for provincial and city governments and that leaves 900,000 to do the work.
> > At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 712,000 to do the work.
> > Now, there are 711,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
> > You and me.
> >
> > And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

 

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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of
the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars
before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer
was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and
administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver
replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...  
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.                (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

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Bumper Stickers and One Liners

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of Polish guys and a team of Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said, "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, the Irish guys came back, and the boss asked them how many they had installed, and they said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, the Polish guys came back in, and they were totally exhausted. The boss said, "Well, how many poles did you guys install? "The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said the Polish leader,"but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground."

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A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this.. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.

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The Lone Ranger
A Real Groaner!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the  big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to  know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to  die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and  said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create  enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar  to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns  that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this  time?"  The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
"Nothin', but you left your Injun running.

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Okay, now some jokes about aging and the elderly....

PERKS OF BEING "OVER 40":

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your st! o mach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.< BR>
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

SIGNS OF WEAR:

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"and
you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy b abe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... " Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.

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Now kids and younguns....

Never Argue with a Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
> As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother
has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make ! me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "OH, so thats how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
> head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
>
> 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.house 4
inches deep.
>
> 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
>
> 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
>
> 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
>
> 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
>
> 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.
>
> 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
>
> 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
>
> 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
>
> 10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
>
> 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
>
> 12. Super glue is forever.
>
> 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
>
> 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
>
> 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
>
> 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
>
> 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
> 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
>
> 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
Like ovens.
>
> 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
>
> 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
>
> 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
>
> 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
>
> 24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
> One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that man
said?" 
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'"
>The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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LAWYERS ! ! !

> It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home and rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!"
> The driver of the other car rolled down his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.


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>What Gender is it? 
> 
>ZIPLOCK BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. 
> 
>SPONGES - female, because they are soft & squeezable & retain water. 
> 
>SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. 
> 
>KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. 
> 
>SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. 
> 
>COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up; because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed; & it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. 
> 
>TYRES - male, because they go bald & often are over inflated. 
> 
>HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... & of course, there's the hot air part. 
> 
>WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on. 
> 
>SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up so many people. 
> 
>HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 
> 
>HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 
> 
>REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. 
>But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, & while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. 

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Over 200 military personell NO-NOs, by 'Specialist Schwarz'

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks
(Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during
airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue
sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The
Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a
flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range
54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase
55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit
56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command 60. ‘The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command 61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you' 62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed
66. There is no ‘Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'
69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty
73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad'
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance
82. May not form any press gangs
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident. (?- Aussie)
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor'
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom'
89. Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad'
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate
93. Nerve gas is not funny
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body
96. ‘Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong
to tell new soldiers that they are
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors,
even if they are "casualties of war"
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war,
and I should stop implying that he did
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles
112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff"
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires -
therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke
121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude
things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like
127. ‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word
129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders
130. ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot
136. Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk
138. Even if my commander did it
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’
142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT
143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window
144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®
148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries
153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice
156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts
158. The revolution is not now
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search
160. No part of the military uniform is edible
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command
163. Take that hat off
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin
165. I do not get 'that time of month'
166. No, the pants are not optional
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio
169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter
172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy)
175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office
177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'
178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'
179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'
180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS
182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'
185. My name is not a killing word
186. I am not the Emperor of anything
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes
188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot
192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos
197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again
198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined
203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs","flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Word Play!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal "