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PITH
Here is where I put all those things that really don't fit the jokes or other
pages, but I really felt everyone would like.
Please
feel free to submit
Firstly, a
complaint.................................................
I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body was found recently) complained she didn't want any
prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school... the Bible that says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your
neighbor as yourself. And we said, OK.
Then, Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we
might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide) and we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we said OK.
Then, someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And the school administrators said no
faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be
sued (There's big difference between disciplining and touching, beating, smacking, humiliating, kicking, etc.) And we said, OK.
And then someone said let our daughters have abortions and they won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, OK.
Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they
want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said, OK.
And then someone said let's print magazines with pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by
making them available on the Internet. And we said OK; they're entitled to their free speech.
And then the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. And let's record
music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes. And we said it's just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, and
nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill
strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
"Dear God, Why didn't you save the little girl killed in her classroom? Sincerely, Concerned Student...
AND THE REPLY "Dear Concerned Student, I am not allowed in
schools. Sincerely, God."
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True stories that sound like jokes.
The mind of a six-year old is wonderful. First grade...true
story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused, and then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the
next 10 minutes.
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The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other
and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on," they asked?
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?," we asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in
diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.
One guy said, "I think you want an oil cap." She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it,
I just need one, and I don't see what is so damned funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde.
Note: If you read "710" upside down.... it is spells OIL!!
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GUN-TOTING
GRANNY SHOOTS TWO RAPISTS TESTICLES OFF
MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off
when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the two
ex-cons down - - and shot their testicles off!
"The old lady spent a week hunting those bums down -- and when she found
them, she took revenge on them in her own special way," said admiring
Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.
"Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the
sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never
rape anybody again, by God.'
Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his Penis and
his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the seedy
hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed
up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingom come, but doctors
managed to save his mangled penis, police said.
"The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to
said he won't be using it the way he used to,"
Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but
I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through."
The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was
carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps. "When I saw the
look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go
out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on
them," recalled the retired library worker.
"And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've
been shootin' it all my life."
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's Description of
the sickos' car, tough-as-nails!
Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood till she spotted
the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.
"I know it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em
anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them,"
the ornery oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their
room and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the
door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really
hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went down to the police station and turned
myself in."
Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with the vigilante
granny.
"What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an 81-year-old woman in
prison." Detective Delp said, "especially when all 3 million people in
the city want to nominate her for sainthood."
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Out of the mouths of babes comes the Dead Cat Test, a true story:
> A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
> She asked if it was dead or alive.
> "Dead," she was informed.
> "How do you know?", she asked.
> "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the
child innocently.
> "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
> "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'pssst' and he didn't move
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Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working
under your vehicle...especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald in
Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to
have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small
group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male
legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand
the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his
shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked
across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by! The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the
country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a
very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the
trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Oh,
yeah," said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a
pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no
end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at
night. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go
beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy
our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us,
they have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks, dad, for showing me how poor we are."
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Worldly Facts...
>
> If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would
look something like the following:
> 57 Asians
> 21 Europeans
> 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
> 8 Africans
> 52 would be female
> 48 would be male
> 70 would be non-white
> 30 would be white
> 70 would be non-Christian
> 30 would be Christian
> 89 would be heterosexual
> 11 would be homosexual
> 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
> 80 would live in substandard housing
> 70 would be unable to read
> 50 would suffer from malnutrition
> 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
> 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
> 1 would own a computer
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Did you know...
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Now you know everything!
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear and smell better.
> The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska
> The percentage of Africa that is wilderness is 28%. The percentage of North America that is wildernessis 38%.
> The cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
> The average number of people airborne over the US at any given hour is 61,000.
> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
> San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts
-Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar
> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
> Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles
Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
> "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
> The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole 9 yards."
> Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
> The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
> The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle,
G.P.
> The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
> The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores "Ring around the rosey", these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores "a pocket full of posies" Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease "ashes, ashes, we all fall down"
> Conception occurs more often in December than any other month
> Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
> If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to One thousAnd until you found the letter "A"?
> Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers
were all invented by women.
> Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil..
> There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year
> Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
> 40% of all people at a party will snoop in your medicine cabinet.
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Early Retirement
> My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
> Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
> After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. mainly because it was a so-so job.
> Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
> I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
> Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
> I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
> My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
> I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
> Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
> I became a professional fisherman, ! but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
> I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
> I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
> So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
> Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was too shocking.
> After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
> My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
> SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB
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My Mom Taught Me.......
My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I
just finished cleaning!"
My Mom taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next
week!"
My Mom taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in
an accident."
My Mom taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry
about."
My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mom taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My Mom taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you,
would you listen then?"
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times
- Don't Exaggerate!!!"
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